Why do some have such a hard time with birthdays? Is it because of our trauma we experienced as a child? Is it because we can't grasp the fact we are getting closer to death? Is it just because we don't want to lose the innocence of our youth?
Regardless of what it may be, birthdays have always been a struggle for me. I never had that "awesome" birthday party most kids have. My birthday was in the middle of winter and almost always celebrated with just close family. I never had many friends growing up.
This year it's hitting just as hard. Here I am, staring at thirty, and I have no plans. I wanted to have some kind of celebration, but nothing. I'm numb to the whole thing.
As most know, my life the past few years has been filled with obstacles and trauma. In just a few short years, there have been cancer diagnoses, deaths, surprise pregnancy, massive weight loss, and so many hard choices having to be made. The pandemic caused my husband to lose his job and set us back financially. It's just been a lot to process.
I wanted to celebrate making it through those years and turning the page to thirty. I just can't bring myself to make those plans or even reach out to specific people.
I think it's mainly because of the fear of rejection and disappointment. The same I felt most of my childhood. There's also the feeling of guilt in wanting a party and feeling "childish". The last part I believe is because I feel so much older than 30 and having sort of a midlife crisis because I have dealt with more than I should have by this stage in my life.
Whatever it may be, I'm trying to give myself grace while working through it.
Happy thirtieth birthday to my inner child. May one day you be truly at peace with where you are and how far you've come.
